Dear Petal’s Edge,
We are not seeing a lot of advice out there about gay and lesbian weddings and how to structure the ceremony and wedding party and thought you might be able to help. We want to have a fairly traditional ceremony, and we are basing it on the usual western hetero ceremony, but since the sexes in the wedding party will be mixed on both sides, we are a little unsure of what kinds of flowers to give to the different participants (bouquets? boutonnieres? corsages?). What should determine that kind of thing? What do we call them? Do we just get to make up our own rules? What have you seen done?
-Jamie T.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing to us with this question and giving us the chance to be more inclusive with our blog posts! This is such a great question, since now that gay marriage is legal all across the U.S., I know there are probably lots of gay and lesbian couples with similar questions.
We have certainly seen our share of gay and lesbian weddings over the years, even before it was legal here in the DC metro area, and as florists, honestly, our role has always just been to give our clients the flowers they want for their wedding party, however they chose to structure it. That has given us a lot of opportunity to observe what people are doing with their ceremonies, which has been really insightful and fun! However, we aren’t the experts on this kind of thing, so once again, we decided to call one in.
We reached out to Chicago based wedding planner Bernadette Smith of 14Stories and The Gay Wedding Institute. 14 Stories is her wedding planning company specializing in LGBTQ weddings, and The Gay Wedding Institute provides information and classes that empower wedding vendors (like us!) on how to be more inclusive in our business practices. We asked her what trends she was seeing in flowers for gay and lesbian wedding ceremonies, and her simple answer was that there were “no real trends in flowers that are LGBTQ specific”. She also shared with us that while people may be mixing up the genders, and trying to break free of traditional gender roles with their wedding parties, the traditions aren’t dramatically different from heterosexual weddings.
She went on to explain that she tries to create a space for her couples (and encourages and teaches other vendors to do the same) where they won’t feel judged about the choices they make, such as one of her gay couples who chose to have both boutonnieres and carry bouquets as well. This year, we have two grooms who have requested toss bouquets for their reception and we love the idea! It’s all good!
When it comes to what language you use to call your wedding party, Bernadette says that she has had some couples use alternative language like “the party people” or “female/male attendants” to refer to their wedding party, rather than traditional names like groomsmen and bridesmaids, but that the traditional terms can still apply as long as the couple feels comfortable. The couple should feel free to fill in their own language for their wedding party, according to her.
We agree! In our experience we have had most of our gay and lesbian weddings follow standard traditions, and just call their wedding party whatever names make sense for them. As far as flowers go, we have seen that it mostly still tends to fall out along gender lines, with women in the wedding party carrying bouquets, and the men wearing boutonnieres. However, that doesn’t have to be the rule.
We’ll talk a little more about the men in our next post, but as far as the women go, our advice as to what kind of flower arrangement to give them is the same regardless of the sex of the people getting married – consider the roles that your female attendants are playing. If they are going to be wearing a dress, walking down the aisle alone, and standing by your side alone, well, then having something to do with their hands is a good thing. A bouquet gives them that. If they are being escorted and seated then a corsage, either on the wrist or pinned on the chest will work just as well. If there are women wearing suits, you can request a pinned corsage, or if the suit is more masculine, and she prefers to avoid a bow, tell your florist you want something more like a boutonniere the guys will wear, which is usually a single flower with a small accent, while a corsage has typically a couple additional blooms and a bow.
In the end, you make the rules, and we are happy to oblige (and we like to think that all florists would do likewise). The important thing is to feel comfortable with yourself and you choices on your wedding day, and to have it reflect the two of you as a couple.
We hope that helps!
Do you have a question about flowers or wedding planning? Send us your question in the comment field or by email (to info@petalsedge.com, subject line “Ask the Florist”), and we’ll include it in a future round of Ask the Florist!
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